The Hand That Never Came

Many a times, you just need that someone to reach out, and assure with a touch that everything will be alright.

That hand never did come.

And when there isn't any, the only way is to brace yourself, and move on.

And with that, it probably is going to be the closing note fr 2011.

Almost to the end of 2011

I cant believe it's two more weeks to the end of 2011. This year passes exceptionally fast, in mine and a couple of friends' opinion. If one subscribes to the theology of moving and storing time, this could just be the case to compensate times when one sees the time passes so slowly during boring meetings/lectures/conference.

By all counts, I should be sleeping now. I wish I could, but the last week was crazily packed and I could possibly only update some stuff on my Ipad so that I can take it as done, and focus on other stuff tomorrow. Not sure why, but work accelerated to a breakneck speed since mid Oct, like it was charging towards the finishing line with a vengeance (and me scarcely able to catch my breath).

But thank goodness for the 2 gatherings on Sat night and Sun afternoon. Those were good breaks, thanks to the laughters and gossips.

Esp the gathering on Sun afternnon with the hockey team. Just before that, I found this in between the semi-spring cleaning:-

Cap that was part of the sponsored apparel for the 1999 SEA Games team. Off-coloured, bleached from the sun and repeated washes after the many trainings under hot morning and afternoon suns.

12 years on...Had a sense of grounded-ness after the gathering that at least some things probably hadn't change much. The holiday mood started seeping in; until I had to switch on the laptop and finish up that last bit of work....

Off from tomorrow onwards, not sure if I can get wifi, but possibly will try to squeeze in another post on the last day of the year.

Sickly Sunday

Woke up with aching body yesterday and thought it was due to the uncomfortably hard bed at the accomodation I put up at the last few days on a worktrip. Little did I know that it would become a full blown fever with swooning headache. Great. I think my body eventually couldn't keep up with the stress level (and prob slightly drastic change in temperature).

And what to do except to stay in bed to sleep and sleep..And catch up with movies I always wanted to watch. I realise after a while that the movies belonged to a same genre..

First, it was Jane Eyre that I couldn't complete watching on the plane. Beautifully shot.

Before Sunrise.

I think I would have died from suspense if they didn't make the sequel - Before Sunset. Reminded me how wonderful it can be that you can talk to someone about anything under the sun.

Sunday is now gone, and not looking forward to the work week ahead...sigh..

Frazzled

'Nuff said.

Nouvelle Vague - Killing Moon

Guess what's playing on repeat mode.

...............

Anyway have been taking the train more regularly now, and fully utilizing the commute time to read up or work on work stuff. Feels more useful than staring at the butt of the car in front for most mornings.

And then this happened - I can't find my ezlink card now. Can't remember where I last placed it when I reached home on Tues, after a super long day at work. I definitely had it when I came home cos that's why I manage to come home in the first place. But couldn't place where it was last since I decided to take the car this morning after sleeping in a bit more.

And feeling the pinch cos the balance would have been able to last me for another 2 more weeks of commute perhaps.

Lousy feeling.

Nouvelle Vague Dance with Me

I came across Nouvelle Vague in a totally irrelevant setting - before a zi char dinner at the old part of Tiong Bahru.

Ok, maybe I am stretching the dramatics a bit. It was actually before a dinner with some of the girls from office (ex and current) at Tiong Bahru and they were late (as usual.....well..sometimes..). And there was still time to spare even when I had already squeeze in one coffee break at Orange Thimble before we were supposed to meet (ahhh....that's another good coffee joint. Though I am not so keen on the buzzer though. They rather spend money on the buzzers which you bring away to your table after ordering, and then buzz you when the coffee is ready and placed at the cashier where you placed your order earlier. Could it be possibly cheaper, and probably gain more brownie points if they have someone send the coffee to you, with a smile of course, at the table?)

Anyway, I digress. So I was already at the old school zi char restaurant but the group was not there yet. Opposite this old school zi char place was this little quaint vintage shop that sells little bits of vintage/vintage inspired stuff, with Nouvelle Vague playing over their Ipod player. Of course at that point i didn't know what was playing until I asked the shop-keeper tending to the shop, which she wrote down for me.

Nice stuff.

Dusk

This impenetrable gloominess of dusk

that muddles the light into nuances of grey.

Secretly letting in the dark

while tricking the mind ,

believing that light still prevails.

But for a light

to cut through the fallen dark

into clear shades of black and white

and show the path

towards the awaiting dawn.

(Have always felt unnerved by the dusk, that even with lights turned on, it always felt "half-dark". Opened my eyes earlier from a failed attempt to nap, to find that dusk had fallen, with the "half-dark" feeling all over again, physically and emotionally. Suddenly not sure where I am headed towards... feeling all murked up and sliding towards some dark pool. But maybe that's not a bad thing, if it throws out clearer perspective of things. We'll see..)

Exhausted

This first, before moving on to face the other mountains.

And leaving the questions for another day.

Just a bit more..

Almost 4 full weeks now running at full steam. Just today I felt that I could fall asleep at the table during lunch.

But everything happens for a reason, though it may not be apparent at this point in time.

Just a bit more to go. Climbed one mountain, now to clear this one ahead (before seeing the the mountains after this).

I think I will really celebrate this coming weekend with some well overdue sleep and rest.

Yes, just a bit more now.

This thing about brit bands..

What can I say. Brit band alway does it for me. Even those which were before when I was even born.

Fast Forward - check them out 26 years later.

.

.

.

.

.

I can do with some divine intervention now. Not knowing very well what to do with the curveball situation right now.

Hello world!

Says the new iPad.

Yes. I got an iPad. Was contemplating for a while already, but was putting off just in case it is gg tot be passing faddish "want". Until the impending work trip foresee me lugging loads of docs in hardcopy., and I had to seriously consider that having the iPad may really make my life easier.

Excuse or reason, I finally bite the bullet and bought it last weekend. Was easier since i wasn't the one who went down tot the shop to get it. If left to my own initiative, I would still be hemming and hawing before I recover from the heart pinch to sign on the credit card slip.

Right now Im just making use of every opportunity to test out all the relevant functions (like typing) and apps to make sure that this piece of darling can tide me through the work trip.

After that I'm sure I'll start having fun on all other non work related Functions and apps....

Introvert's Day-in

Every now and then, the introvert in me need to have some downtime.

It had been sorta crazy 2 weeks. Today, decided to push away an engagement, and spent some time at home, tidy up the living spaces a bit, and hopefully, catch some catnap (god knows how bad my dark eye circles have become already).

In the end, no luck at the catnap (damn the body clock) but at least my room now looks less like a tornado swept warzone. Caught up with some admin work (pay bills, update the house mortgage payment ) and read a bit of the book that the aunt bought for me some time back with some CDs playing (Lisa Eckdahl now).

Other than the fact that my head is throbbing prob from the lack of sleep, I feel much more centred, rather than feeling like there's a thousand and one forces tugging at me.

If only it had been a retreat at some quiet resort in some exotic places, like Ubud. Still haven't had the chance to check out that place.

Gary Jules - Mad World

When people run in circles
It's a very very,

mad world, mad world
Enlarge your world, mad world

.....................................

Crossing fingers that the work doesn't need to eat into the weekend..

早晨七点三十分

精神状态：模糊

醒了一个小时了。

查了手机上侦查睡眠的闹钟仪表，才睡不到四个小时，睡眠品质还特差。没办法，起床做些有的没的。

一个小时就这么过了。

今天放自己一天假 （本来今天就是公共假期嘛，无聊。可是昨晚过午夜宣布脑袋眼睛快报销了才手工回家），让精神放松一小，好让明天再冲刺。

看，下午得小睡一下，补点神，救一下黑眼圈和眼袋。

Public transport challenge (update 1)

End of the first week of the public transport challenge.

And I'm blogging this on the way home in the mrt (obviously can't do the same if I'm driving .. Talking about a good sign..)

The first 2 days were not too bad. Though now I can understand why people are so willing to pay a premium to live within walking distance to the mrt station. The walk to that bus stop for the feeder service and squeeze (cos obviously everybody's destination is the same) can really be a put off.

Though I cheated a bit by catching a ride from a colleague on the first day. It was real late cos of the new assignment I was working on,and I think I should be kinder to myself than to suffer the long feeder bus ride home. And the friend sent me home after dinner on Tuesday (of course right..)

That led me to wed and thurs, when I drove because of the discussion on a friends wedding emcee script and to help out at a community event by the company.

So today was the first day that I was a public commuter for real (taxi to meeting venue doesn't count!)

:D

Makes me want to buy an iPad 2 though..

And they say year end is usually the lull period...

It looks like an exciting period leading up to end of the year.

• Doing something that is not part of my job scope (all in the name of exposure), but I am not sure if I enjoy being sandwiched between people with different agendas, and being pushed out of the comfort zone. I know the latter is like a taboo thing, like nowadays how can anyone be expected to stay in their comfort zone? But hey..sometimes life can be so much easier without having to grapple with many turning wheels if you are not sure where to put your hands.

• Revisiting a thorny case and hopefully it wont be as bad as the last round. I reaallllyyyy hate confrontations.

• Could possibly be gone from SG for a good 5 weeks. Note separate key words underlined for emphasis....

Ok deep breathes.

And some of these would be real useful as well.

Zee Avi - Book of Morris Johnson

Kinda put me in a better mood on the drive home.

Oh yes, I drove today..but just because I had to go to help in the set up of a company event.

The Public Transport Commute Challenge!

Why I Am Doing This

I have been toying with the idea for a while already....especially most since my car is stuck one of the many thousands condemned to a snail's pace along AYE every morning, and having to pay the dreaded the ERP despite burning fuel (and $$$$) with the obnoxious amount of time contributing to the greenhouse effect arising from carbon emission.

And thinking that perhaps if I had taken public transport, I would have hit the office faster (Yes, even though I would rather be somewhere else). With the opening of the Circle line. I was wondering if it is time to make the switch.

Seriously, ever since about 2003/4 after I first bought my Gilera Runner, I had not taken public transport to work or anywhere else in general, unless exceptions, for example, if I had to leave over the weekend for a dive trip from work. Not like some friends who I know, who genuinely like driving or cars per se, having a car to me was just about pure convenience. But I do dig the fact that I get to do whatever I like in the car, be it blasting the songs on the radio, or zombing out in the morning on the way to work. Obviously something that I won't get the chance to on a train. :/

Of course, there is also the cost factor. Driving nowadays are getting so so much more expensive with the ERP sucking up money from guileless drivers. Anyhow, the car ownership framework in Singapore is kinda flawed:-

• If COEs are aimed to control ownership, then why has LTA still allow for new releases of COEs? If new COEs are allowed to be issued, albeit at a slower rate, it is still an increase right?

• Ok..so you decided to allow people to buy cars nonetheless, and decide to deter people from crowding the roads by introducing usage-based charges to to stagger the surge in traffic i.e. the ERP. But..... people still need to go and leave from work at a certain time right? I am sure that the employers wouldn't mind if their employees hit the office earlier..but do the employees then have to choice to leave early? If no, they would have to leave late to miss the ERP charges right? More often than not, they will probably just end up as suckers to be had whenever they drive under the guillotine-like structure after a long day of work, hoping for a hot shower and meal, and some chill out time before hitting the sack.

• Okok..maybe the ERP still doesn't really dis-incentivise people to change their driving habits. How about making it really cheap for people to drive during non-peak hours? Ok I must come clean. I am also seriously contemplating if I should convert my car to the revised OPC scheme if this public commute do take off. So I may eventually become part of the guilty crowd of people who leave their cars at home, occupying one precious parking lot; more so now because it is so much cheaper to retain an off-peak car and people want to be free of the awful public transport if they can..and causing the authorities to find ways to accommodate the increase of cars per household in that HDB estate. Just look at the situation of cars who can't find a lot at night and had to park illegally along the kerbs. (Btw I just lost a patch of greenery at the back of my block because they are paving for more packing lots. I'm kinda devastated. )

But..taking the public transport always give me the mental image of a rat race of a humongous proportion. Just image..the MRT door opens and then out pour these many people rushing out from the packed tubes, the whole space thunder with footsteps and these huge surge of human traffic scrambling to take over the escalator wheeling them upwards/downwards. And the cycle continues repeatedly.... Eek.

I had never had to be part of this human rat race because my past jobs didn't require me to report at the usual office hours (actually officially some of them do...but then I believe in flexi-hour - I put in more hours towards the night, but don't expect me to come in super early ...), and obviously I drive..so I never really had to put my EZ link card to much use. Looking back, it had been almost 8 years that I had been driving! If I take public transportation, I wonder if I will suffer from withdrawal symptoms..like will my hands suddenly start twitching to grab the steering wheel or something.

Anyway that was the background rationlisation, which had been bouncing around before I decided to just bite the bullet and start the public commuting TODAY. I am giving myself one month..to see if I succumb to withdrawal symptoms and be sucked back to the car (and swallowing rantings and all about jams, parking, ERPs etc etc..) or survive and blend into the rat race of multitude.

Squeak!

(as for the first day of public transport commute..I kinda survived..kinda..)

In commemoration of that patch of greenery behind my block. You shall be missed dearly whenever I see those OPC cars lined up on the tarmac throughout the days.

五月天 我心尚未崩坏的地方

我想，每个人在人生的某个阶段，想要达到一个目标时，可能会遇到很多外来的势力阻扰。为了心中的原则而努力奋斗，创造自己的理想结果。

在努力争取，奋斗的时候，难免会疲惫，对一些人事物产生失望。当结果和自己预期想象的有太大的差距时，觉得难过沮丧也是理所当然。有可能质疑自己的能力，理念。改变自己的态度，有可能积极向上，也有可能变消极怠慢。

但，我觉得，就算难过失望沮丧，一定要锁住心里那份信念。因为如果连信念都失去的话....

那我 还算是我吗？

守护着心中这片尚未崩坏的地方，这才能对得起自己，问心无愧。

Weekend of Two-s

T'was a good weekend, catching up and spending time with..

- C for brunch at Octa Hotel*. I was more impressed by their whimsical items that they sell (I think I want the wall clock!), rather than their menu. Maybe the idea of hi-tea in a parisian chic cafe would be nicer than brunch, which to me is synonymous with hearty stuff (read: huge toast, blueberry pancakes, egg benedicts, sausages, eggs scrambled/poached....not all at one time of course. I am rattling off the memories of yumminess brunches I have had!). So after we shared one breakfast set, we over to Outback Restaurant for more fulfilling stuff (like fried mushrooms and wings. The satisfaction of oil-laden food sometimes! :p). We talked about nothing in particular, but so much about what are happening around us.

- The Friend. Who finally came back from China after 5 days of being shuttled between cities**. Couldn't really make up our mind where to go, so I decided to try out this new coffee place that I read about at Papa Palheta - Loysel's Toy. Great coffee beside Kallang Riverside Park! Another coffee place other than 40 hands to go to.And ended off the night with Shirlyn and the UnXpected at WalaWala. Always edgier than any other live bands that I have heard in Singapore.Impromptu movie this morning. (I dont think I have ever watched a movie before 3pm =.="), followed by leisurely lunch and massage, which made me feel super sleepy after that session.

And the weekend is over just like that. Before I slip into the typical Monday-blues tirade of whines...I WILL HAVE A GOOD WEEK AHEAD!

Hope this neuro-linguistic self -programming works :/

Anyway, something that Shirlyn and the UnXpected covered on Saturday (I love this band that does so unconventional songs)

*Ooo..I think I am in love with Octa Hotel's main store in Japan!

** And me torn between being determined to lead my own life pretending that it was life as usual, or to acknowledge that maybe things are not as grim as I thought they are.

Post about a nothing Friday

Still icing my left knee, no thanks to that weekend , and another reminder that my muscles are not yet conditioned to such sudden surge in activity.

Have been laying off the runs for 2 weeks, and this morning, couldn't take it anymore and went for a swim at the gym this morning despite the thunderstorm (Well hello Fitness First pool! It has been what..2 months? 3? Thank goodness that the pool was heated up this morning as well)

Followed by a long meeting, quick lunch-in, and then out for a team bonding sort of event.

And the work week is officially over after that.

Feels like its lacking something.

Remembered the talk with the big boss some time back, during which he pointed out something had changed about me, which was something that I keenly felt myself during the last 2 years. Something is not sitting right, and I still feel like I am groping in the dark, searching for that switch to understand something.

"The moment being the best teacher", I have been asking myself sometimes what the current situation is trying to tell me..

Maybe it's trying to tell me to stop fighting, and just move on.

Yeah, maybe I should.

xxxxx

前些日子谈起了happy endings。一面谈，我一面想起我第一次将我觉得自己要的happy ending，告诉另一个人了 - 一个前男友的朋友。有一些人，对别人的感受特别敏感，她因该就是这种人。

“要幸福快乐吧”，我对她说。

她停顿了一下，笑了笑说，“怎么我突然感觉那么大的恐惧感？”

我傻愣了。的确，在讲那句话的时候，虽然是真想要幸福快乐，我的心是发着冷颤，充满抗拒的。那时，感情和生活繁杂颠倒，缠的我透不过气。觉得，幸福快乐，离我遥不可及。

那是三年前的事了。

今天，在微博读到张德芬 在《遇见未知的自己》写的这一句话，又唤起这一段回忆：

"亲爱的，外面没有别人，只有你自己。所有的人事物都是你内在的投射，就像镜子一样反射你的内在。当外境有任何东西触动你的时候，记得，要往内看。看看自己哪个地方的旧伤又被碰触了，看看自己有哪些阴影还没有整理好。不要浪费能量在那些外在的、不可改变、不可抗拒的东西上。”

是该又大扫除一下了。

xxxxx

发完牢骚，心情好多了。

可为盈盈 秘密花园／那个男人

I blogged about a previous song by Kewei before. And here's another one she did with Ein Ein & Alfred. Seriously nice!

方大同 无菇朋友

I was wondering what the hell the song was about, and went to youtube it. Now, I can't listen to the song without picturing the morbidness of the MV :/

困

矛盾

莫过于

两人在一起的时候

深觉一个人的

孤单疑惑

但

一个人的时候

却背着对两个人的

憧憬和思念

Note to self

For goodness sake, stop moping around already..things will take their own turns despite you making up thousand and one scenarios.

Physical Limits

At this moment, I am wondering what the f*** happened.

I was limping up and down the stairs, when I was suddenly overwhelmed by embarrassment that even the after-run pain from my last 21km wasn't even half as bad, that I laughed out loud to myself. I am now suffering from so much pain from all possible muscles groups in the limbs than I ever thought possible (even the national days wasn't that bad cos recovery time was definitely faster) :/

All because of the hockey friendly game yesterday and the 10km yellow ribbon run this morning. And to put into context, I probably played only max 25 mins (not even one half!) on the hockey pitch and a slow paced game at that. And 10km? I thought I had it in my pocket after the weekly long runs. Ok, not that exactly, but I hadn't expect it to feel so painful trudging through that distance, no thanks the lactic acid build-up had less than 24 hours to dissipate.

I remember somewhere along that 10km, I reminded myself that despite whatever age I feel (which fluctuates between erm..25 to 80 sometimes), the body definitely follows its clock. Time to accept the fact and make adjustments already. No more punishing routines that the body is not prepared for (hmm..ok, though I really can't help that the friendly game was just the day before the run, I didn't regret playing with old friends once over again!) I thought to myself. And be nicer to myself for goodness sake! Your body is a temple to be worshiped, not to be savaged by unnecessary "evil stuff" - junk food, late nights ...etc etc

If the sun was not as bright and glaring all over Changi, you would have seen the momentous zen glow around me (minus the reflection off the bucket of sweat all over of course) before I struggled for that last few km barging through the strollers spewed all over the running lane (they have got to start educate strollers to start keeping left! Grrr..)

When driving home half zomb-ed, I was thinking back and wondering how hockey seniors like Mel and Flo did it. They were playing competitively (national and league) way pass the so -called prime athletic years, all into their late 30s and 40s. Of course, there are all those men and women in their 40s and 50s running marathons, doing triathlons and everything else that even cows anybody younger. I am sure of some common themes that pop up- passion for the sports they do, and helluva discipline in keeping their bodies in tip top condition to enjoy this passion that they have.

If youth is a wanton display of energy with no specific goal in mind, I guess growing old forces you to be more focused on what is important and prioritize. Not one of the faint hearted definitely. And I am in!!!

Hell ya!

10 years

Had a birthday dinner with the family today, as an early celebration for the youngest one ahead of the actual day. There is a good 10 years between me and her, which saw us at different life stages at any one point in time.

As I was looking at the birthday cake with enough candles signaling her 23 years, it suddenly hit me that it had been 10 years since I was that age. I mean, I know. Obviously no matter how many years have passed, the fact was that it was still going to be 10 years ago that I was her age.

But at her age this time of the year, I was already in Kuala Lumpur Mid Valley Hotel,

• having gone through the trauma of a broken metacarpal on National Day (almost 1 month ago) in New Dehli,
• being told by the doctor that I was never going to make it in time for the SEA Games ("You will have a chance in future to play. Let it heal naturally!" he said),
• stubbornly refused to heed his advice and went for the surgery to put in the metal plate anyway; went through repeated rehab and physiotherapy sessions, putting in that extra training so that the left hand can still hold the stick, and
• getting ready for the first day of the Games in 3 days' time.

And 2 days later, on the night before the first game, we all (the team mates) would be running around from room to room, trying to figure out the extent of what we would see on TV - 2 planes which flew right into the World Trade Center in New York, and looking at the live footage of one of the towers crumbling like a sandcastle.

And the next day we played our first game against Thailand.

Since then, hockey wasn't one of the sports in the Games until 2007, which was after I stopped playing around 2005. And if I hadn't gone for the surgery then, I wouldn't have played that Games.

It has been 10 years. Where have all the years gone to?

I remembered after the Games, I knew I was going to join the police force. I was with somebody then which I thought I might just be with at the end of the day. No thanks to a timely reminder, I also remembered that I thought then I had all the time in the world.

And now, it has been almost one and a half year that I had touched the hockey stick. I had left the force for a myriad of reasons. I had been through upheavals in the relationship department (and hopefully had grown wiser and more discerning). Most days pass so fast that they merge to become a blur and I cannot differentiate one day from the next. Mostly, I feel like I am running out of time to do all the things that I wanted to do.

Amazing how life meanders and brings you through different stages, deriving experiences and meanings that makes up your life story. Let's see how the next 10 years will unfold then.

五月天 爆肝

夜猫子的主题歌。

真的因该养肝，早点睡 @.@

Dark Clouds

I had a disquiet building up since morning, that almost became a silent rage had I not bit my tongue before snapping at someone.

It started with the now routine 5am awakening, followed by the jam, the jaw-dropping/face palm emails sent by someone who should know better, the unbelievable discussion in the boss's office, waiting for that "nothing", the legacy left by the ex-boss which saw me holed up in the investigation room until late at night, and eventually ended with a nice touch with me trying to find a working cash-card top up machine in the vicinity way past dinner time, just so that my car can leave the carpark for me to go home, tired and hungry.

I had a lineup of complaints and I thought I would have blown to bits searching for that cashcard top up machine, but at the end of the day, either the fatigue took over or the (not so lightbulb moment) epiphany overruled and I began to simmer, and eventually the rage died somewhat.

I still haven't figure out the source or reason of the disquiet fully, though I can somewhat make out what is likely behind that dark cloud of brooding rage. I guess the origin will appear on its own sometime down the road.

This moment, too, shall pass. Just hope that there isn't too much collateral damage when I am stuck in the red mist.

Counting Crows - Colourblind

And again, when the mood calls, a particular song will come to mind.


Cruel Intentions was actually another soundtrack that I always like, but it is too melancholic or angsty to be played too often (and I listened to Bittersweet Symphony too much for my own good last time).

But today I am in the mood for Counting Crows. Ironically, badly want to pull myself out of the same mood though. Hate to feel off balance.

Got to have more faith.

张学友 1/2 世纪演唱会

本应该回家倒头就睡，哪知道咖啡因作祟，两眼直瞪着。@.@。活该，为什么贪那杯mocha frapp.

刚看完歌神张学友的演唱会。以前也没特别想看张学友的演唱会。虽不是他的粉丝，有时候在广播电台或 k歌的时候朋友点唱他的歌，都听过他好多首经典歌曲。可是，我没想过去以只欣赏歌曲的方式去听一场演唱会。就好比我去五月天的演唱会 － 与其说我买坐位票，不如说我买了那坐位的“站票”，全场是没坐下来的和摇滚天团一起high到完，才觉得划算。

但毕竟人家好歹都已经半个世纪的年龄了，再不去看的话，万一张学友宣布退休，要看这位叱咤歌坛数十年的歌神岂不是没辙了吗？所以就拉拢了几位同事朋友，老早就买了票。等了好多个月，终于等到了新加坡演唱会的这一天。

演唱会刚开始的一个小时，我还在猜想三个钟头的演唱会，会不会坐在椅子上闷的发慌。后来，歌神现场演唱的功力 （或魔力？）生效了，首首荡气回肠， 充满画面感。

二十七年的歌唱生涯，张学友唱出了很多人的“心曲”。听到了自己的“心曲”，不尽心弦被拉扯了一下，小泛泪。

还是最近想多了，比较敏感。

知道有人还没等看到张学友的新加坡演唱会，不放视频。改次。

Feeling a little bit...

Not.

Had another long day in the office, and fortunately, there was another poor soul stuck in the office as well (or unfortunately for both of us staying way past the official working hours, depending on how you look at it).

So when I finally called it a day, the poor soul decided that she didn't want to left all alone in the office and we decided to go grab some dinner together. We ended up at one of my usual haunts around Pasir Panjang Village. Too bad both of us drove, otherwise we might have ordered some alcoholic brew to kill away some of the office blues, with it being such a nice breezy night and stuff.

Which we attributed (the office blues, not the breezy night) to some of the urgh stuff we encountered for this looonnng week (I know, it's only Tuesday, but both of us felt that it had been a realllyyyy looooonnnng week despite that).

Which I then defined as inspiration-killers. Sometimes, you can wish for that someone who can inspire you in your job, though these are hard to come by, and few by far. But when none is in the horizon, at least let's not try to dampen the fire of wanting to do a good job.

Even as the fellow lost soul shared her grouses, the motto that Col Bruce Niven drilled into us during leadership training kept popping up in my mind- "Leaders make things happen". I could use a bit of that fire whenever I hear that line then. Got to revisit the motto and find that spark again.

P/S - Just this month itself, I had the same question asked to me 5 times. I wonder why.

惑

很想问你

你真善良吗

Super early waker

Fact is, I have been clocking less than 6 hours of sleep for the past 2 weeks. Not for any exigencies like work or etc, but my eyes just automatically open once I hit about 5hours of sleep, and can't return back to slumberland. Sleeping earlier doesn't help, just makes me wake up earlier and watching the sky turn bright outside my window..and last night was the max. Woke up 4 hours into the sleep and decided that there is nothing more miserable than insomnia.

According to the sleep graph from

Sleep Cycle app (Hail Itunes store for all the wonderful life enabling apps!)

that I have been using for a while..

And this is how a normal sleep cycle should look like.

That was my sleep graph for last night. Damn..right after 4 hrs. I think the trough was when I became super sian and started staring at the window waiting for see if the sky was going to turn bright soon.

If going by Wikipedia:-

Nocturnal awakenings are characterized by difficulty returning to sleep after awakening in the middle of the night or waking too early in the morning: middle-of-the-night insomnia and terminal insomnia. The former may be a symptom of pain disorders or illness; the latter is often a characteristic of clinical depression.

Though I don't exactly think that I am in that state* now..I just wish for any hormonal charges that are causing all these weird body functions to start going back to the normal state soon, before I really start to get clinically depressed.

*but maybe the labels** are driving me a lil bit nuts :p

**you know who you are. haha~

I Hate It

I hate it when I walk beside you, the constant struggle when my hand yearns to reach out to yours.

I hate it when I look at the profile of your face, and the uneasy feeling of my heart skipping a beat.

I hate it when you reach out to touch my hair, I long to keep your hand there forever.

I hate it when you show little tender gestures, and I feel that little greedy glee.

I hate it when I have the selfish thought to keep you up , even when we have long days to keep the next day.

I hate it when at I am expecting a catch to the situation, but there is none that I can see whatsoever.

I hate it when when I am alone I wonder if what just happened was only a figment of my imagination.

I hate it when I catch myself thinking of you as a possibility when I plan for things ahead.

I hate it..

When you came into my world and turn everything tipsy turvy, and I know I am bowled over, falling uncontrollably, and hoping that this time, perhaps I do not have to climb out of the black hole once again.

The Secret Garden

The garden door that stood

Keeping the untended garden

Safe from the grieving of the world

Waiting for the moment

When the right key is found

To taste the freedom in the air

And bloom to its former glory once again

National Day 2011

Especially poignant.

Zee Avi - Honey Bee

After the meet up session with an old friend with his plus one, decided that I needed something slower after the million questions and what-ifs that hit my mind during that one plus hour session.

Ah well, all the best to them.

The Lost Self

“你想要什么？”

“我..”

“先慢慢静下来，才能听到自己的心，真的想要的 是什么。”

.

.

.

.

.

The ever independent Jz told me once, she wouldn't grow to be as such if she didn't need to. And she's not the only one.

At every stage of one's life, with every lesson learnt, what doesn't kills you, makes you stronger.

Some people grow wiser, some people grow more independent, some people grow warier. Losing of the innocence of youth as we put it, and learnt that the world is not as kind as how we see it when we were younger.

And growing that outer layers of protection all in the name of self preservation, cocooning from all the possible harms from the outside world - feeling all warm and fuzzy inside, resisting any attempts to remove the layer since it will only cause the unbalance of the otherwise status quo mini-universe, setting off all possible alarm bells in the process.

Until one day, you realise that you have been encumbered with all the weight and burden of the ever-growing armour all these times, and already forgetting how that person, who had lived and loved with such carefree enjoyment many years ago, looked like.

Introspectively, if its ever possible to go back in time to undo all those layers and be like that person again.... only time will tell.

.

.

.

.

Sheesh, this post is so depressing. I need to go out and do something fun soon.

Taylor Swift - Fearless

Two things about Taylor Swift (according to me)

• Taylor Swift fans belong to a certain age group. Somewhere below any age to know that there are real heartaches in life other than crushes to babies who know how to bob to rhythm.
• Why are Taylor Swift songs under the genre of "Country"?

But on rare occasions that her songs get an airing on my Ipod (if I can stand and get past the saccharine teen angsty love songs), some of her songs are real catchy.

Here goes one.

好一个伤风

鼻塞

咳嗽

头晕

目眩

觉也睡不好，半夜鼻腔痛的发现我紧咬着牙

要我命呗

Game of Thrones HBO Series

I have finished watching the whole 10 episodes of Game of Thrones! All thanks to the debilitating (yes, over-exaggerating but just want to whine!) throat infection and flu-ey symptoms that kept me in bed for the past 2-3 days.

I don't think it would ever come to a screen near us though..with all the show of boobs and sex and gore (You literally see a man piercing another's throat, with all the blood splattering and the final flow of blood bubbling till there is no more..urgh), I'm kinda of wondering what other stuff they show on the telly in the USA.

Though I know GRR Martin said that the show stayed true to the plot, I wonder if they should really extend the show to maybe full 20 episode. I would love to see how Lady Catelyn climb the treacherous Eyrie for example. But I'm already fascinated somewhat by how realistic the settings were portrayed (ok almost all except Dothraki which is on the eastern realm. Westerners will never get the Orients portrayed correctly). And even with 10 episodes, the portrayal of the characters were so compelling, that even though I knew what Ned Stark was going into since I finished the book, I still felt aghast when I saw that episode (not going to spoil it for you!). Also, not often that you see a dwarf taking center stage as one of the main characters - Tyrion Lannister as "The Imp" - smart, and politically incorrect. Though I think Peter Dinklage is too good looking for the real Imp, who is supposedly really grotesque.

Good, now halfway though the second book - A Clash of Kings. With this and another 3 more books to catch with the the latest in the series, I am seriously avoiding wikipedia entries on the series cos they really contain a lot of spoilers!

Ellie Goulding - Your Song

I bought the CD on a whim at Heathrow because of this song..and it seems that it would only be for this song anyway.



Argh I hate to be sick, but at least I finished 5 episode of Game of Thrones.

Another kind of bug

Whatever bug it was, it was really nasty.

It started with the the usual pain in the throat, then felt it travel up to the nasal passage, and eventually settled itself at the forehead, which made every thought feels like clawing through a thick smultz of a loud rock band jamming session.

I finally gave up this morning, and decided to be kinder to myself rather than trying to go through and put up the proposition plan for a meeting next week. Made a dash home, visit the GP, grabbed a quick lunch, downed the meds, and then plonked myself onto the bed. And realise that the body which is so attuned to being most productive in the PM is now wide-awake, despite the head throbbing. Oh well, it's still good to be at home, blasting Adele's 21, and letting some afternoon breeze ease some of the urgh-ness.



Which leads to me to another kind of bug.

"How are things with u?" the sms says.

Off hand, I had many retorts. but I decided that none of them would have conveyed what I wanted to say anyway. 6 years on (or was it more?), and with that kind of callousness at that time, and with whatever he already has now, why does he even bother.

Amy Winehouse - Rehab

Oh Amy.,.you should have...

气

I really had enough.

Despite various requests to tone down their discussions on the upcoming Sex and Zen movie and constant play on words with sexual insinuations, the 2 male colleagues kept up their acts with oblivious zeal and jibes.

I originally had no issue when they went around rallying other colleagues to join them for the movie. Even the new one who had yet to come into office. However, when the sexual jokes became one too many, and when the two thought everybody shared their "fun, joy" and anticipation in the upcoming movie, it started to get on my nerve as I always feels that pang of unease, and then calibrating if I should voice my discomfort.

Then it grew to a point that I decided to tell them straight that these topics are distasteful, makes me uncomfortable, and simply not funny, hoping that they heed and bring the jokes down a few notches, to be even challenged by one of the guys: sex is real what, why you pretend it didn't happen.

It is not the way we think, we don't objectify men as sex objects, and to us, sexual jokes, made too often, weren't really funny any more, I replied. To which he insisted then all men are like that, and there is nothing wrong with them talking about all these thing in front of US female colleagues.

Ya right. Now it became our fault for feeling uncomfortable.

Today when I repeated to the other guy again to tone it down, his retort was: then bring your own ear plugs.

Bloody hell. I had never met anybody so inconsiderate and simply downright rude.

So I decided. Sent a long sms to the guy colleague and told him that this whole sexual jokes and movie thing is making me uncomfortable. And that I seriously don't see why I have to accommodate to something which is obviously making me, and other female colleagues uncomfortable. Please stop.

The guy simply replied, ok. We didn't realise you were seriously disturbed. We will not discuss these thing in front of you all, though it will be less fun.

Hello. I am not seriously disturbed. I am just extremely frustrated by the refusal to heed request after request, while getting ridiculed at the same time. Not even an apology. And less fun??? My god. He didn't even get the point.

Not that it didn't help that other female colleagues didn't raise any issue, making it seemed like I'm the only one making the noise and these 2 guys probably thought I am the spoil sport. And again, I'm tired to be the one to break the line.

But seriously, I don't see why I have to suffer in silence and continue to be uncomfortable. Much as they insist their rights to fantasize and make everything into a sexual joke, I should also have the right not to feel belittled, uncomfortable or insulted in the face of such overtures.

I have never been so mad at such utterly inconsiderate persons.

Read. Sleep.

1. Read

I'm hooked.

It had been so long since I found a series that interesting a read since Lord of the Rings (ok, I don't think anybody needs any external to that) and David Eddings' Belgarad and Malloreon series.

And to think that I have another 3 books in the series to look forward to, the last having just released o 12 July 2011.

Yay!

2. Sleep

Ya. Totally.

Cranberries - Linger

"Cranberries coming to town for concert soon leh!", my colleague told me one day. "Wanna go?"

I did a quick mental calculation (wrong move, cos it only made me feel so old in that few nano second).

• Cranberries was like distant memories more than 15+ years back, when I was still donning the yellow and blue uniform in secondary school. I realised one remembers songs distinctly, especially if heard when still schooling..I'm sure the brain cell retention prowess then was definitely in the higher percentile if not near to 100%, compared to now, when it hovers around 20-30%, ala gold fish memories)
• they didn't have any major hits or new work for the past 10 years at least
• And this colleague would be like..in primary school when Cranberries first came to the scene (told you that the quick mental calculation made me feel old)??

Well, given the usual lower than expected value-for-money concert line-up for these western gigs (we are so pampered by the elaborate stage and sets, not to mention repeatable encores, from those Asian artistes!), told the colleague that I wasn't a big fan.

Until I heard this over radio.

For those whose memories come flooding back when they hear this song as well. They just do songs like these anymore.

(Maybe I will rethink about the concert).

Joe Hishaishi - My Neighbour Totoro..

I suddenly had this tune in my head..

I suddenly had an urge to watch the studio ghibli DVDs again..something soothing about whimsical magical realms and innocence and simplicity of youth.

To A.

Too impatient, too rash.

I didn't even have time to take down the details, before it was lost forever.

Alas...not fated.

邓妙华 － 温柔的夜

每每都会突发奇想似的，想起以前的一些连续剧歌曲。

以前，一听到主题曲的时候，就会连忙写完功课的最后一行，然后赶紧往电视机前面坐，目不转睛到听到插曲为止，才被妈妈赶去睡觉。

发现我对近时播的连续剧都没什么概念，对它们的主题曲当然也不熟悉。 感觉上，以前的连续剧比较真实，细腻。记得有一次，我好奇为什么小娘惹那么热，看了一集，觉的编辑和所谓的一线演员好象把观众当做是白痴..然后就没再看其他的连续剧了，就连最近被朋友们炮轰的CLIF，也懒的去满足好奇心。

当然，现在每天九点我人也不知道在那里.....但就算到了家，家人放的频道多数是电缆频道 - 香港，台湾，美国 的电视剧情比现在的连续剧更多元化，紧凑，精彩。

唉，怀念....

I wonder if I should be worrying at all..

Hope

Hey friend..

At times when you feel things are falling apart,

I wish you two things:-

Hope

that things can only get better since the only way is up

and

Faith

to keep that hope alive when the journey riding up gets a bit too rough

Hang in there..

The Real Fairy Tales

There was always some point in time when I regretted that I gave away my old books. Especially those that can't be find in their original forms now.

Like this - before Jo, Bessie and Franny were themselves before having their names changed to be politically correct. Btw I am not even sure if golliwogs exist or even allowed to be mentioned now.

But recently I was thinking of the Little Mermaid book that I once had, no thanks for the upcoming Grimms' Tales by SRT . Nowadays, Little Ariel seemed to be the de-facto image of the Little Mermaid. But I remember the illustration in the book that I had was probably more gothic than cheery.

This was the exact version of the book that I've got!

Which was probably more befitting the tragedy ending of the little mermaid who finally dissolve to become foam in the sea, but eventually rising up in the air together with others who were like her (ok, this part never really did made sense when I was reading it then. Like who were these others??). I also remembered feeling angsty at the stupid prince who married the princess, who happened to pass by the shore and "saved"the prince, rather than the mermaid who actually saved him from the sunken ship and placed him on the shore.

Argh.

A lot of fairy tales didn't start out to please little kids and assure them that everything will have happy-endings, and which some I find to have very warped principles too. I wonder if kids nowadays would ever discover the real story of the little mermaid and other fairy tales, rather than the mass manufactured Disney ones. I grew up reading those disturbing warped ones, and didn't turn out any worse off, though I think the stories inculcated some form of cynicism that probably never go away.

Well, don't think it's going to be easy, but gotto try if anybody out there who can appreciate cynical dark humour just as well to go catch the show..

Adele - Chasing Pavements

This is one album that I will go buy. Now..only to find the time to go check it out at the nearest music store..

啼笑皆非

在和帮我洗脸的小女生聊天，谈到小女生的感情世界。小女生 说道：“新加坡的男人从小就被妈妈奶奶惯坏了啦！都没胆去追女生的啦。现在，什么都是要女孩子去主动的...”

那是当她告诉我，是她主动约大她八岁，当时还不是男朋友的男生后的总结词。

xxxxx

和JZ吃饭，JZ 告诉我她好友用一个例子训导她。

这个朋友前些时候到了Lucky Plaza。“哇，那里就成了小菲莉宾城了，好多菲莉宾人聚集再那里。菲莉宾人呀，真热情。有洋人走过，四目相投，咧嘴就笑，笑脸殷殷的，让人觉得很亲切。这样就搭上了嘛。哪像你，人家有意思瞄了你，你看到了，没回应，还低着头假装没看到。学学人家吧！”。

我快笑翻了头的当儿，JZ说到，“你别笑我，你也是一样罪魁祸首”。

xxxxx

难怪我还单身喏。

The Invisible People

There lives a new race in Singapore.

The Invisibles.

They are everywhere, but of course, you don't see them.

They were at the void deck that is swept and cleaned before you step out to start your day.

They paved the road that is well-used by you and many other many vehicles, moving to the beat of the country day in day out.

They toiled in the great tunnel underground to make sure you can move around in this little red dot more efficiently.

They darted around the ships in the dry docks, before they are made ready again to sail from this entrepot port since the start of our short history. So that you can still claimed to live in a trading hub.

They are the ever changing faces.

But you will never see them. You will never hear them.

So long as your live runs like clockwork, it is like they never existed.

They are the Invisibles.

Bruno Mars The Lazy Song

It was sometime last week. Imagine running on the treadmill, with nothing interesting in front but flickering screens running different channels from cable. Forgot to bring earphones so can't plug in and the best alternative was to read the subtitles on what looked like the Masterchef (not a good channel to watch if you are running at 9kmh and trying to promise your stomach that it's going to be rewarded with something much better).

One of the screen was showing MTV, with this showing. Rem that no earphones, just the visuals.

Makes me want one of those monkey mask :p

From the same guy who gave the now-routine wedding song - Just the way you are.

Anyway the MV was totally apt -

- for the lousy Monday today; and

- to remind myself that I should start hitting tarmac and/or concrete again instead of running in air-con comfort.

Back (again!)

Just came back from a live-on-board on MV DiveRace. I should have at least taken a pic of the boat, but I realised that I have been lazy lately to fish out the phone cam after playing around with a friend's DSLR a few months back, and knowing probably other people has better equipped cameras to do the job.

Which I will be stunting after they post them up on FB :p

Anyway the whole trip was fun*, diving with the same crazy people** and got to know a few others better.

*other than the part when the body clock became a bit screwed up, only managed to sleep for a 2 hours on sat night and then it was wide eyes all the way til 6am for the wakeup call for morning dive. Freak, waking up at 6am for morning dives are blehs. So is cold seawater for first dive in the morning. But the new wetsuit is doing its job so it's good! :)

**On Sat while berthed at the Marine Park and waiting for night dive, we were just nua-ing around on the sun dec and being bored to death, when one of the girls Jo leaned over the sundeck railing, looked at the water, and asked, "Ay..can we jump from here into the water huh?" And that episode ending up with us doing 2 jumps each over the railing over 3 storey high into the water. Haha!

Live on boards are especially nice since doing away with the bus transfers and eat, dive, sleep on the boat. Similar to my cruise holiday but with the added itinerary of dives at some of the Tioman sites that I have never been to if I had done the land base trips.

Well, better start logging dives (before I forget again) and can't wait for the next dive :D

Velvet Underground - After Hours

Such an unpretentious song. The vocal sounds totally untrained but yet, still captivating nonetheless.

Impermanence

Do not believe what you see, hear or feel,

For it changes with the passing second.

Like the wave cresting to the beach,

It does not exist within the blink of an eye

Even when it continues to rise and fall