Cleansing Detox Retreat - The Days After

This morning as I was walking to work, I genuinely felt tired, like I had not been on holiday for the lat 11 days. I guess, usually such a long break, I would expect to feel relaxed and chilled out. Instead, I felt  full, like a traveller who had walked a long distance, weary and hungry, but had seen and experienced many sights and sounds, and would remember in times to past. 

Physical wise, the next few days will see me easing into eating again, starting with slowly introducing food type one by one. Yesterday was fruits for the whole day. As of today, I only had vegetable (only one type at any one time), and each "meal" only consisted of about one-third of a bowl of vegetable and I would be full (like I had stuffed myself the buffets). I miss coffee though, and I can't wait to be able to start drinking again. Though after this retreat, I learnt that the body and the emotional state are so intertwined, it is time to start taking better care of this outer shell.

Emotional wise, I felt like a pool of water, with ripples and then waves caused by change in emotions - at least for today. I am not sure how aware I will be as time goes by, but I hope that once there is the awareness created, it would be easier to recognise or be aware of this change in tides and the triggers, or even the lack of awareness for the matter. 

Spiritual wise, I saw the reverence the Balinese had for their gods, seen or unseen. I wonder if this presence of belief and reverence offered had created a perfect environment for healing, harvesting this presence to release any negative energy - for healing, for guidance, for rejuvenation, for nourishment to people to chose to ask for it. Perhaps it is time to look more inward to the light within, and see how it could burns more brightly.

I do fear if I may get lost again in the multitude of distractions, but let's take one step at a time.

Cleansing Detox Retreat Day 7 - Coming Full Circle

The last day saw us heading to Tirta Empul - a place still thronging with reverent locals, young and old, who carry their offering and incense, to be purified by the holy water. After that, it was back to The Yoga Barn to break the fast!

A platter of fruits came, which we were told to only pick one type of fruit, given that the stomach need to slowly ease into digesting. We gingerly took a few pieces of fruits each, and waited until everyone had picked up their share, and then we ate!! After 6 days of not eating, the sensations of food entering our mouth, chewing and swallowing were oddly foreign. All of us could only managed a few pieces, given that the stomach had shrunk.

The finale was the healing circle where all of us laid in a circle with our legs radiating out. It was the most emotionally intense session of anything I had in all my life, and it was beyond me to describe it as it was, other than the fact that there was no where that emotions could hide no matter how much you try to suppress it. By the time it was done, nobody could speak for at least a full minute.

With that, the retreat was completed, and we hugged our goodbyes. Susan and myself had pretty emotional farewell hugs as we wished each other all the best and promises to stay in touch to poke each other along in our respective journeys.

Finally when we were walking out, and reached my hotel first, Susan's parting words to me, "You are always so strong; don't be afraid, be weak once in a while". Something in my heart twitched at that moment, as it seemed like the message that was bubbling up the whole week all along.

......

When I saw TS at the airport, I hugged him like I have never hugged anybody before. Felt like a safe landing pad after a soaring journey, and it was time to get grounded again.

Cleansing Detox Retreat Day 6 - Almost at The End of The Journey (orThe Rope!)

After the natural high yesterday, it was almost like a crash today. Was cranky, tired, frustrated, anxious with every small thing (come to think of it, it is quite similar to times when I don't have enough sleep from working late) and we were told that the liver was emoting, where suppressed feelings come into play.

It came to a point that I was fretting over the smallest thing which I knew i had the solution for, and i could feel the physical reaction to the anxiety that was escalating for no necessary reason. Emotions become sensitive during detoxing process, and with the extra energy diverted from having to ingest and digest food, everything and issue becomes amplified. After that I told Frederique about the minor episode - she really had a way of pinning the crux of my issues when she asked me, "Do you always push yourself in your life?" Bingo. Her final advice - "Be gentle on yourself..."

In other words, was super emo today. Started to doubt why I was even here, why I couldn't do the chaturanga pose properly this morning, why I couldn't had dealt with situations better, hating the incense at the ARMA museum in the museum when I was there in the afternoon...And I wasn't the only one. Susan was ultra cranky, partly because she couldn't sleep and all the physically discomfort from the liver flush.

Liver flush is really no fun..and how one piece of organ dictates how you feel or think.

Looking forward to:-

Breaking fast tomorrow! For all the benefits I know I will get from the supplements, I am tired from having to swallow the pills and capsules everyday (which tells me that I should never fall majorly ill that I have to keep taking pills!) and have some real food for once (though still not hungry). There is the easing in process for the body to start eating and digesting again, will be at least 3 more days before I can start getting meat in my meals, and maybe a full week before I can start eating normally again.

Going back home! Though I wish I had one more day in Ubud to avoid the rush to the airport and having to dive right back to work on Monday. I wonder if my body will have any adverse reaction to work..

Cleansing Detox Retreat Day 5 - Looking at What We Put Inside Us

Felt kind of spacey after the yoga today (and mantra meditation to open the throat chakra), but the massage during the 2 hour break perked me up and I was on a natural high for the rest of the day.

Today's liver flush day.. 2 servings of Epsom salt in water (oh how vile!) to get the gallstones to be flushed out. Followed by two documentary movies:-

Hungry For Change, that talks about how most of the problems in modern day society comes from what we eat. Personally, I think big american cities has become so dysfunctional in their eating habits, and the problem that Asian countries faced is that we are trying to emulate them. Look at the proliferation of food stuff such as cheese, cereals, snacks, sodas, health food at the supermarkets nowadays that are processed, preserved etc. Most times, we pick up food that we think are healthy, but more often than not, that's because we are "told" that they are healthy, but are they really? After watching the documentary, I'm not so sure any more.



May I Be Frank, about how one's life can be transformed with cleaning what is inside in body and mind, and the food you put in. We are what we eat, and at a certain level, that includes the thought that we generate. I wonder how much toxic thoughts actually comes from the food that we eat everyday.



Then the finale of the liver flush drink - OJ, garlic and virgin coconut oil. Basically the VCO to activate the gallbladder to deliver the bile (and hopefully any gallstones that are lodged inside the gallbladder), garlic to kill the nasty stuff inside the intestines. The OJ was just something nice to delivery the main activators in. Laid out for half an hour to wait for the necessary stuff to take place, and sent home with specific instructions to stay in bed and rest.

And gosh! Now I know why. Massive headache kicked in one hour later when I went out 5 mins to collect laundry from the laundromat (5,000rp for 3 pieces of clothings that were done within one day! That is like what... 70cents?). I barely made it back with the swooning headache, , nausea and general yuckiness came.

And so I am in bed by 8pm. Feels like going to be a long night.

Cleansing Detox Retreat Day 4 #2 - Imageries

The Yoga Barn is like a tucked away oasis. Like many of the ubud establishments, the unassuming entrance and reception opens up to a wider compound. in the case of Yoga Barn, the small downward trail led to an open space and airy verandah where 2 main yoga studios sit. Our open -aired studio where we meet everyday is further in, at the edge of the compound across the small padi fields from the main yoga studios.

Every morning, as I cut across the padi fields to get the studio, under the nice morning sun, it never fails to give me a sense of a peace and tranquility.

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At one particular moment today, I looked up from my notes during the midst of the session and suddenly noticed that the tall grasses fringing the studio were.. Really distinct and sharp. Distinct as in the individually blade stood out from one another instead of being one clump of tall grass. Sharp in the sense like watching a 3d tv show.

Wow.

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Images of food did come to my mind many times outside the sessions - I had fish & chips, fried bee hoon (with super big serving of luncheon meat please!), chicken rice, sio bak, pasta that I had at Kafe on Sunday. But the thing is.. I wasn't feeling hungry (the cleansing and bulking shake took care of that). When the mind is calling up images when the body is not hungry, somehow puts the question what exactly craved the food - the body or the mind?

I took a really long walk around town this evening. Since it was dinner time, many people were having their meals from the street side cafes and restaurants. I wasn't hungry, I do miss the pleasure of tasting, savouring food, the texture the flavour, and other things that are pleasant Imageries related to food, like eating with friends, the comfort of food at the end of work day, good food to sooth away any work angst.

I think my relationship with the food that I eat has just went through a paradigm shift.


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During yoga nidra today, we were guided thorough some imageries in meditation when suddenly the image of a lone wolf, standing on a cliff ledge looking down at me, flashed in for one second before my mind brought me back to the original guided imagery.

There is a book in class that list down symbolic meanings of animals that appear in your dreams or vision, and under lone wolf, it told me what I probably knew all along. How cool was that.

Cleansing Detox Retreat Day 4 #1 - The Opportunity

As we were told, the state of physically being is very much tied to the emotional state of the mind. And that was the issue with me it appears. I'm hitting a wall with the result of the enema, and as luck had it, I was early, and had Frederique waiting with me outside while Anne was helping Susan in the gede (both Susan and me were always the first 2 to arrive somehow). While giving her the usual update about how i was feeling today, I told her about the session with Jana yesterday. Halfway through, Frederique said, "You know, part of the cleansing process is to let go of all the bad stuff. You can cry you know"

Tears just flowed as I continued to relate to her what Jana showed me. And that was when Frederique told me that she noticed during the yoga nidra yesterday that I seemed to have difficulty letting go to ease into the practice. To hold in like that, hence the result of the enema.

Pretty heavy stuff.

Frederique helped put things in a better context - "Look at it as an opportunity" - accepting the situation, and make it the start of a journey for the inner soul. And be more compassionate to myself, that it was not my fault or wish to carry this weight.

Today's yoga sequence to open the heart chakra - the chakra of unconditional love - was apt and timely then.

Cleansing Detox Retreat Day 3 - The Valley Down

Woke up feeling quite worn, after flitting in and out of sleep since 2am. Halfway through the morning session my stomach felt quesy and broke out into cold sweat for a bit. If not for Susan (my angel partner), I prob would have continued my suffering in silence. And that's when I was passed a glass of water with a drop of peppermint oil and that was all it needed to get me right on track.

The yoga nidri didn't go that we'll and I left slightly frustrated.

I had to change room due to some issues with my booking and I wasn't that happy with the new room.

I had a session with Jana and I got the answers i needed, but I left feeling a sense of deep grief and sadness i am not sure why.

All are work in progress and the only way is up.

I'm not particularly religious, but right now this sings out to me.

Cleansing Detox Retreat Day 2 - Connect with the Inner Spirit

Today's session started with a light, but energetic yoga session - the buzz at the finger tips and the feeling of wellness and contentment - I have never felt so physically engaged for a very long time, not even during the weekly yoga class.

Lesson aside (we learnt about the ideal pH for the body) we went through the meditation with mantra and the yoga nidri with visualization. Some pretty weird/amazing stuff happened during meditation, I wasn't sure what it was, but I'm going to ask about it tomorrow.

I'm reading more too. For the past few nights, whenever I'm done with whatever I need to do, I would snuggle into bed and read, feeling nice and settled.

Tomorrow will be an interesting day cos i am going to visit a very intriguing person in the afternoon :)

Cleansing Detox Retreat Day 1 - Listening to the Body

This is a morning of many firsts.

For a start the trivial stuff-

First time, aches in the shoulder and ankle.

Woke up with a stiff right shoulder. Weird*, cos that was the first time that it happened no matter how lousy the bed was. And this went away after I reach Yoga Barn.

At the start of the session the right ankle starts to hurt. Weird*, cos I never had any ankle issue, and it went away on its own just after about 10 mins into the session.

First time I had to drink so much water in one sitting.

As the session went on, we downed mugs and mugs of water - the mallic acid, the bulking and cleansing shake, the coconut juice, the herbal tea..together with the supplements that came with our "goodie bag". Which led to many trips to the loo :/

First time I had a mala

That came with the goodie bag (see above), which was such a beauty ;)

First time a question to the crux

During the chakra session, I was asked a deeply affecting question which I was left dumbstruck and slightly in tears..

And the highlight....

First time I had an enema!! (Akin to an ass-f*** according to a travel mate during the first part of the Bali trip.) and I was so nervous about it that I spilled water everywhere as I was preparing for it . But it was amazing simple to do though I think that I was so paranoid that I will cook the inside of my intestine that I did not put enough hot water and had stomach cramps for a bit..I any case I am not sure if its placebo effect but part of the stomach felt emptied out enough; guess that's cos no solid food had been there for the last 24 hours and I must say it felt pretty light and good.

My angel partner** said that she's going to pass me garlic to try the garlic enema..just gotta try it!

And there goes the end of day 1..

* according to the book on what the body tries to tell both were signals of refusal to change. How about that.
** it sounds damn cliche but the angel partner is there to give you support throughout the week. My angel happens to be this super cool looking lady from Switzerland :)

My Rejuvenation Week

When I first signed up for the Cleansing Detox Retreat at The Yoga Barn, it was purely out of impulse and gut feel.

The last 6 months have been horridly tiring to say the least, with the conference to help run, followed by jumping into the deep end of the pool for the Licence renewal project. Not to mention the emotional gunk that came along with work - the ego clashes, the doubts and question that came up everyday "what am I doing?". I know I would rather be somewhere else but the (I call it) sense of accountability kicked in, knowing that I have to, and I will deliver the results at the end of the day. And delivered I did. To some acclaim and pats on the shoulder. But I was left emotionally and physically drained like a piece of rag, tattered and limp.

Not to mention, looking back at the roller coaster ride experience in the last 10 years, I know people say never to carry baggages. But much as I wanted to, I am not sure how not to remember. "Just move on" some will say. I would like very much to say that I had but even then I am not sure.

Back to the retreat.

I love Bali and this is a place that i really don't mind coming again and again.The trip to Bali that was planned initially only covered the weekend to eat and play in Bali. I wasn't
really sure if I wanted to do that - I know I would rather read and rest, but I needed to get away anyway. So I planned to take leave the week after and then see what I wanted to do. That was when I saw the emailer for the cleansing detox retreat. The dates were a perfect match, the price was much cheaper than the rest that I saw (even though my friends still gagged at the price), and so I did it. Somehow I think I know I needed it.

The last 4 days have been fun, with good food, enough red wine to go around, and interesting places checked out (I love seminyak and potato head and Nuri's!!). But inside, I was really waiting for the moment to sit still, read and be quiet for a minute. Not only this, I just started something like a relationship over the weekend (gosh it's a long story, I'm keeping my fingers crossed at every turn) and the last few days the heart or head had been wringing itself with worry. By Sunday, I was so looking forward for some internal housekeeping and perhaps tune in a little better to what I want.

So sent the friends off to the airport, said a little prayer and one hour later, i checked in to the place where i am going to stay for the next 7 days. walked around a little, found a nice organic place called Kafe and read the ebook Anne (the facilitator) sent, page to page, at Kafe, eating my last proper meal, before I start to fast for the next 7 days

And I hope to find that light at the end of that tunnel, by the end of this short 7 days journey :)

Gratitude

In the middle of work today, the realisation of 2 events suddenly left me dumbstuck.

That either directly or indirectly that I gotten what I had wished for or wanted, consciously or subconsciously.

I

For  a undoubtedly good news at work that wasn't expected.  It would have been something which I could be looking forward, though it came at a time when I (hope) am just at the cusp of discovering,  that it doesn't really matter in the larger thing called life (which may probably the same reason why I wasn't really looking out for it. I think I have other bigger issues to settle). For all that it is good thing, I think, it is just a flag to mark a journey, but the journey itself need some re-engineering, and definitely some perk-me-ups.

In any case, I am grateful, and I hope that the journey gets nicer sceneries and fellow travelers along the way.

II
For something which I thought would never happen, happened. And I was still lost for words even now. Especially when it also suddenly struck me, the meaning behind the words that were said in those few second.

The cursed old bad habit of driving the caution quotient into overdrive mode kicked in. I am such a wuse. And I think too much.

In any case, I am grateful that it has came to this, just have to turn down the self-defence mechanism some notches down.


Crossing my fingers that my luck holds.