Lousy Wednesday

I hate it when I don't voice out all my thoughts, further hampered by a semi-imparing dizziness, and find myself backing into a corner. And I find that I end up saying or doing things that I was unwilling to in the first place, I get really upset why I didn't say how I really feel in the first instance.

I hate it when I have to critic myself. I mean I do, and even doing it every now and then these few days (should I have done this? could I have avoided this?). But when it had felt like writing my own after action report, I realised then why we always have a 3rd party to come in as recorder to write all those reports - only then can the 3rd party be truly devoid of subjectivity, without any emotional attachments.

I hate it when I have to pass judgement, when I am still so emotionally charged. It tends to drive me off the edge and I usually retort back in the worst possible manner, which I always regret once the words leave my mouth.

Most of all, I hate it when I feel that I have to accountable, but I can't account for anything. That is the worst feeling that one can ever get.

I know I will see all these objectively one day. But sorry, not now. This may just be the lowest point for me yet.