My nasty temper reared its ugly head again today. I thought I could survive this season as the last, thought I had been through the angsty period and whatever on the pitch should have been a been-there-done-that, so I wouldn't be less non-plussed than I would be a few years back.
But its especially frustrating, and the emotions erupted today.
I had plan all my personal stuff around when the hockey schedules cos missing one player was going to make so much difference in this new building-up team. I had such a small window period in May when I could go visit Fenny in London, after the hockey season ends before she had to fly back to Indonesia end May. I was comtemplating to rush to Bintan to join my friends after my game next Sat, for that short getaway before I start tearing my hairs out, and if the game was to be Sunday, I would give up the trip totally.
When the meeting time is one hour before the game, I am there one hour before the game.
When the coach calls for briefing, I am there with my shin guards and awaits his instuction, not taking your own sweet time to walk down, chat among yourselves and totally ignoring his presence.
The young ones are not up to par, that only means that you run up to give that extra support, and not stand there when they get the ball, looking on and giving instructions where they should pass the ball.
And for the young ones, being not up to par doesn't that you don't make effort to chase down the ball that you mis-trap or turn over to the other side, never mind that you run down wrongly or you threw your stick down the wrong way.
Maybe it was the PMS. Maybe it was the flu-ey headache. Maybe it was the first two goals that came in on the left side.
But I scolded someone on the pitch, snapped when they were still chatting when the coach was calling for attention during the short briefing, and passed a snide remark when someone gave comment during debriefing when no one asked her, when she obviously wasn't there for trainings to give the advice that she was advocating.
Yes, benefit of doubt, trying to understand the circumstances for not being around. But I feel like the fool for making the effort, for insisting that I should be around for the games during the weekends, for trying to make it for training whenever I could. I can understand busy, I can understand work commitment, I can understand preparing for exams, I can understand non-attendance at trainings so long as you dont screw up. I am not great too - I can really feel this season I was slower, missed more tackles, finds it harder to swing left fast enough for tackles, or chase players down the lines. But I cannot stand care-less attitudes and self-centered intents.
The alternative was not to care too much. But then when you care about something, going that way is not going to help anyway. I was just thinking about it on the way back home, if such a thing would have happened in the workplace, I definitely wouldn't had acted the same way, except if it had been an outright disregard or disrecpect, then it would had become personal. Work will never be personal, but passion for a game is. Though I am sure I should had been more diplomatic I guess, like :-
"Hey..I haven't seen you being punctual before leh..next time come earlier lah"
"Wah..you long time never come down training already la... Come for training la."
But as usual, when I am angry, all diplomacy is thrown to the wind, and I know I am left to pick up the pieces and do damage control.
I know some of you read my blogs - I am angry cos I am disappointed and I dont find the same joy playing in the same team anymore, cos I sense that different people are going different directions, doing their own things, minding their own business. Then it makes playing as a team less meaningful. And it drives the rest of us trying to find the meaning in going for training every twice a week, coming down every weekend to play a game, only to suffer from aches for the next few days.
I had thought it was worth it. I am not sure anymore.
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