Bruno Mars - When I was your man

I have been counting - 13 times. From the car radio, MeRadio, radio in room. If there is something that someone wants to tell me, I get it. And damn well grateful for this constant reminder. 

On Wednesday, a good friend left me with a good advice and an anecdote. One, choose to be with someone who is willing to invest his time and efforts on you. Two, she shared a time when she, a Christian, got good advice herself - work on yourself, and let God work on the other party.

Good advices that I intend to keep until the storm is over.

Grasping at Straws

Had a Viber call with Susan, my partner during the detox week. It has been almost a month since the detox week ended, when I came home while she continued her stay in Bali.

I forgot how much I missed her until we started talking. As fate as it, both of us were facing somewhat similar issues - both of us wanted answers. Gone were the days when we could live with more uncertainty (I wonder what has changed) and we were grabbing whatever catches our attention first. For her, her "journey" just started in the sense that she now have to spend time alone now thinking of the conversations that she had, while my challenge is trying to find the time to squeeze in more conversations without having to step on any land mines.

"Time will tell", Susan says.

The way to the answers seems so complicated that it doesn't seem so apparent, I am hoping that it may just appear itself without asking.

In the meantime, be still you quarreling heart.

水

“天下莫柔弱于水，而攻坚强者莫之能胜，以其无以易之。弱之胜强，柔之胜刚，天下莫不知，莫能行。是以圣人云："受国之垢，是谓社稷主；受国不祥，是为天下王。”

就学做一面静水吧 － 无影无形，却有随时待发的潜力成滔滔宏浪。

尘扰

今天一整天，心情一直忐忑不安。

不安。

不安。

再不安。

也不知道为什么。

希望是因为这几天，吃多了。前些日子戒食的时候，有感觉到肠胃没负担的滋尾；吃多了，难免觉得负荷。不然的话，就得归咎于脑袋又开始习惯性得钻牛角尖，还是被办公室里的乌烟瘴气给薰的头昏脑胀。

习惯性的问题，还得每天一点一点的挪出来个死角来。乌烟，源头一天还在，是非 还要的挑的来闷骚的呢。还是自保一点，下两天，就吃清淡点儿，看能不能让心情好转起来。

冥念一句曼托咯, 希望尘烟沉淀些。

Cleansing Detox Retreat - The Days After

This morning as I was walking to work, I genuinely felt tired, like I had not been on holiday for the lat 11 days. I guess, usually such a long break, I would expect to feel relaxed and chilled out. Instead, I felt  full, like a traveller who had walked a long distance, weary and hungry, but had seen and experienced many sights and sounds, and would remember in times to past. 

Physical wise, the next few days will see me easing into eating again, starting with slowly introducing food type one by one. Yesterday was fruits for the whole day. As of today, I only had vegetable (only one type at any one time), and each "meal" only consisted of about one-third of a bowl of vegetable and I would be full (like I had stuffed myself the buffets). I miss coffee though, and I can't wait to be able to start drinking again. Though after this retreat, I learnt that the body and the emotional state are so intertwined, it is time to start taking better care of this outer shell.

Emotional wise, I felt like a pool of water, with ripples and then waves caused by change in emotions - at least for today. I am not sure how aware I will be as time goes by, but I hope that once there is the awareness created, it would be easier to recognise or be aware of this change in tides and the triggers, or even the lack of awareness for the matter. 

Spiritual wise, I saw the reverence the Balinese had for their gods, seen or unseen. I wonder if this presence of belief and reverence offered had created a perfect environment for healing, harvesting this presence to release any negative energy - for healing, for guidance, for rejuvenation, for nourishment to people to chose to ask for it. Perhaps it is time to look more inward to the light within, and see how it could burns more brightly.

I do fear if I may get lost again in the multitude of distractions, but let's take one step at a time.

Cleansing Detox Retreat Day 7 - Coming Full Circle

The last day saw us heading to Tirta Empul - a place still thronging with reverent locals, young and old, who carry their offering and incense, to be purified by the holy water. After that, it was back to The Yoga Barn to break the fast!

A platter of fruits came, which we were told to only pick one type of fruit, given that the stomach need to slowly ease into digesting. We gingerly took a few pieces of fruits each, and waited until everyone had picked up their share, and then we ate!! After 6 days of not eating, the sensations of food entering our mouth, chewing and swallowing were oddly foreign. All of us could only managed a few pieces, given that the stomach had shrunk.

The finale was the healing circle where all of us laid in a circle with our legs radiating out. It was the most emotionally intense session of anything I had in all my life, and it was beyond me to describe it as it was, other than the fact that there was no where that emotions could hide no matter how much you try to suppress it. By the time it was done, nobody could speak for at least a full minute.

With that, the retreat was completed, and we hugged our goodbyes. Susan and myself had pretty emotional farewell hugs as we wished each other all the best and promises to stay in touch to poke each other along in our respective journeys.

Finally when we were walking out, and reached my hotel first, Susan's parting words to me, "You are always so strong; don't be afraid, be weak once in a while". Something in my heart twitched at that moment, as it seemed like the message that was bubbling up the whole week all along.

......

When I saw TS at the airport, I hugged him like I have never hugged anybody before. Felt like a safe landing pad after a soaring journey, and it was time to get grounded again.

Cleansing Detox Retreat Day 6 - Almost at The End of The Journey (orThe Rope!)

After the natural high yesterday, it was almost like a crash today. Was cranky, tired, frustrated, anxious with every small thing (come to think of it, it is quite similar to times when I don't have enough sleep from working late) and we were told that the liver was emoting, where suppressed feelings come into play.

It came to a point that I was fretting over the smallest thing which I knew i had the solution for, and i could feel the physical reaction to the anxiety that was escalating for no necessary reason. Emotions become sensitive during detoxing process, and with the extra energy diverted from having to ingest and digest food, everything and issue becomes amplified. After that I told Frederique about the minor episode - she really had a way of pinning the crux of my issues when she asked me, "Do you always push yourself in your life?" Bingo. Her final advice - "Be gentle on yourself..."

In other words, was super emo today. Started to doubt why I was even here, why I couldn't do the chaturanga pose properly this morning, why I couldn't had dealt with situations better, hating the incense at the ARMA museum in the museum when I was there in the afternoon...And I wasn't the only one. Susan was ultra cranky, partly because she couldn't sleep and all the physically discomfort from the liver flush.

Liver flush is really no fun..and how one piece of organ dictates how you feel or think.

Looking forward to:-

Breaking fast tomorrow! For all the benefits I know I will get from the supplements, I am tired from having to swallow the pills and capsules everyday (which tells me that I should never fall majorly ill that I have to keep taking pills!) and have some real food for once (though still not hungry). There is the easing in process for the body to start eating and digesting again, will be at least 3 more days before I can start getting meat in my meals, and maybe a full week before I can start eating normally again.

Going back home! Though I wish I had one more day in Ubud to avoid the rush to the airport and having to dive right back to work on Monday. I wonder if my body will have any adverse reaction to work..