Post about a nothing Friday

Still icing my left knee, no thanks to that weekend , and another reminder that my muscles are not yet conditioned to such sudden surge in activity.

Have been laying off the runs for 2 weeks, and this morning, couldn't take it anymore and went for a swim at the gym this morning despite the thunderstorm (Well hello Fitness First pool! It has been what..2 months? 3? Thank goodness that the pool was heated up this morning as well)

Followed by a long meeting, quick lunch-in, and then out for a team bonding sort of event.

And the work week is officially over after that.

Feels like its lacking something.

Remembered the talk with the big boss some time back, during which he pointed out something had changed about me, which was something that I keenly felt myself during the last 2 years. Something is not sitting right, and I still feel like I am groping in the dark, searching for that switch to understand something.

"The moment being the best teacher", I have been asking myself sometimes what the current situation is trying to tell me..

Maybe it's trying to tell me to stop fighting, and just move on.

Yeah, maybe I should.

xxxxx

前些日子谈起了happy endings。一面谈，我一面想起我第一次将我觉得自己要的happy ending，告诉另一个人了 - 一个前男友的朋友。有一些人，对别人的感受特别敏感，她因该就是这种人。

“要幸福快乐吧”，我对她说。

她停顿了一下，笑了笑说，“怎么我突然感觉那么大的恐惧感？”

我傻愣了。的确，在讲那句话的时候，虽然是真想要幸福快乐，我的心是发着冷颤，充满抗拒的。那时，感情和生活繁杂颠倒，缠的我透不过气。觉得，幸福快乐，离我遥不可及。

那是三年前的事了。

今天，在微博读到张德芬 在《遇见未知的自己》写的这一句话，又唤起这一段回忆：

"亲爱的，外面没有别人，只有你自己。所有的人事物都是你内在的投射，就像镜子一样反射你的内在。当外境有任何东西触动你的时候，记得，要往内看。看看自己哪个地方的旧伤又被碰触了，看看自己有哪些阴影还没有整理好。不要浪费能量在那些外在的、不可改变、不可抗拒的东西上。”

是该又大扫除一下了。

xxxxx

发完牢骚，心情好多了。

可为盈盈 秘密花园／那个男人

I blogged about a previous song by Kewei before. And here's another one she did with Ein Ein & Alfred. Seriously nice!

方大同 无菇朋友

I was wondering what the hell the song was about, and went to youtube it. Now, I can't listen to the song without picturing the morbidness of the MV :/

困

矛盾

莫过于

两人在一起的时候

深觉一个人的

孤单疑惑

但

一个人的时候

却背着对两个人的

憧憬和思念

Note to self

For goodness sake, stop moping around already..things will take their own turns despite you making up thousand and one scenarios.

Physical Limits

At this moment, I am wondering what the f*** happened.

I was limping up and down the stairs, when I was suddenly overwhelmed by embarrassment that even the after-run pain from my last 21km wasn't even half as bad, that I laughed out loud to myself. I am now suffering from so much pain from all possible muscles groups in the limbs than I ever thought possible (even the national days wasn't that bad cos recovery time was definitely faster) :/

All because of the hockey friendly game yesterday and the 10km yellow ribbon run this morning. And to put into context, I probably played only max 25 mins (not even one half!) on the hockey pitch and a slow paced game at that. And 10km? I thought I had it in my pocket after the weekly long runs. Ok, not that exactly, but I hadn't expect it to feel so painful trudging through that distance, no thanks the lactic acid build-up had less than 24 hours to dissipate.

I remember somewhere along that 10km, I reminded myself that despite whatever age I feel (which fluctuates between erm..25 to 80 sometimes), the body definitely follows its clock. Time to accept the fact and make adjustments already. No more punishing routines that the body is not prepared for (hmm..ok, though I really can't help that the friendly game was just the day before the run, I didn't regret playing with old friends once over again!) I thought to myself. And be nicer to myself for goodness sake! Your body is a temple to be worshiped, not to be savaged by unnecessary "evil stuff" - junk food, late nights ...etc etc

If the sun was not as bright and glaring all over Changi, you would have seen the momentous zen glow around me (minus the reflection off the bucket of sweat all over of course) before I struggled for that last few km barging through the strollers spewed all over the running lane (they have got to start educate strollers to start keeping left! Grrr..)

When driving home half zomb-ed, I was thinking back and wondering how hockey seniors like Mel and Flo did it. They were playing competitively (national and league) way pass the so -called prime athletic years, all into their late 30s and 40s. Of course, there are all those men and women in their 40s and 50s running marathons, doing triathlons and everything else that even cows anybody younger. I am sure of some common themes that pop up- passion for the sports they do, and helluva discipline in keeping their bodies in tip top condition to enjoy this passion that they have.

If youth is a wanton display of energy with no specific goal in mind, I guess growing old forces you to be more focused on what is important and prioritize. Not one of the faint hearted definitely. And I am in!!!

Hell ya!

10 years

Had a birthday dinner with the family today, as an early celebration for the youngest one ahead of the actual day. There is a good 10 years between me and her, which saw us at different life stages at any one point in time.

As I was looking at the birthday cake with enough candles signaling her 23 years, it suddenly hit me that it had been 10 years since I was that age. I mean, I know. Obviously no matter how many years have passed, the fact was that it was still going to be 10 years ago that I was her age.

But at her age this time of the year, I was already in Kuala Lumpur Mid Valley Hotel,

• having gone through the trauma of a broken metacarpal on National Day (almost 1 month ago) in New Dehli,
• being told by the doctor that I was never going to make it in time for the SEA Games ("You will have a chance in future to play. Let it heal naturally!" he said),
• stubbornly refused to heed his advice and went for the surgery to put in the metal plate anyway; went through repeated rehab and physiotherapy sessions, putting in that extra training so that the left hand can still hold the stick, and
• getting ready for the first day of the Games in 3 days' time.

And 2 days later, on the night before the first game, we all (the team mates) would be running around from room to room, trying to figure out the extent of what we would see on TV - 2 planes which flew right into the World Trade Center in New York, and looking at the live footage of one of the towers crumbling like a sandcastle.

And the next day we played our first game against Thailand.

Since then, hockey wasn't one of the sports in the Games until 2007, which was after I stopped playing around 2005. And if I hadn't gone for the surgery then, I wouldn't have played that Games.

It has been 10 years. Where have all the years gone to?

I remembered after the Games, I knew I was going to join the police force. I was with somebody then which I thought I might just be with at the end of the day. No thanks to a timely reminder, I also remembered that I thought then I had all the time in the world.

And now, it has been almost one and a half year that I had touched the hockey stick. I had left the force for a myriad of reasons. I had been through upheavals in the relationship department (and hopefully had grown wiser and more discerning). Most days pass so fast that they merge to become a blur and I cannot differentiate one day from the next. Mostly, I feel like I am running out of time to do all the things that I wanted to do.

Amazing how life meanders and brings you through different stages, deriving experiences and meanings that makes up your life story. Let's see how the next 10 years will unfold then.

五月天 爆肝

夜猫子的主题歌。

真的因该养肝，早点睡 @.@

Dark Clouds

I had a disquiet building up since morning, that almost became a silent rage had I not bit my tongue before snapping at someone.

It started with the now routine 5am awakening, followed by the jam, the jaw-dropping/face palm emails sent by someone who should know better, the unbelievable discussion in the boss's office, waiting for that "nothing", the legacy left by the ex-boss which saw me holed up in the investigation room until late at night, and eventually ended with a nice touch with me trying to find a working cash-card top up machine in the vicinity way past dinner time, just so that my car can leave the carpark for me to go home, tired and hungry.

I had a lineup of complaints and I thought I would have blown to bits searching for that cashcard top up machine, but at the end of the day, either the fatigue took over or the (not so lightbulb moment) epiphany overruled and I began to simmer, and eventually the rage died somewhat.

I still haven't figure out the source or reason of the disquiet fully, though I can somewhat make out what is likely behind that dark cloud of brooding rage. I guess the origin will appear on its own sometime down the road.

This moment, too, shall pass. Just hope that there isn't too much collateral damage when I am stuck in the red mist.

Counting Crows - Colourblind

And again, when the mood calls, a particular song will come to mind.


Cruel Intentions was actually another soundtrack that I always like, but it is too melancholic or angsty to be played too often (and I listened to Bittersweet Symphony too much for my own good last time).

But today I am in the mood for Counting Crows. Ironically, badly want to pull myself out of the same mood though. Hate to feel off balance.

Got to have more faith.