Facing my demons

Recently I have been pretty conscientious in getting to the yoga classes (good for me!). Bored and dangerous, I figured that I probably have a find a channel to release some of those pent up energies and a focal point, before i really get cranky and dangerous..like make some CSM (career suicide move) or something (at least not at this point when I am literally counting down the days).

I was one hell of a frazzled self when I stepped into the studio. I was waiting for a few conversations to happen at work the whole day, which of course didn't. And I guess even if they did, I probably wouldn't have handled them well. As usual, I tried to sit in meditation for a while before class starts, and that's when the thoughts came flooding in...

Why do you think it will happen?

Ok, maybe I didn't deserve it

How sad your life is right now..if only...

No, no..why do you even think you warrant the attention?

Ya, you and your impatience and nasty temper. What made you think that they want to talk to you? If your temperament had been better, maybe you will be more approachable and wouldn't cause so much grief to your parents and the people around you.

I really want to get out of the rut! I refuse to let this episode bog me down! I swear I will live a larger life! For no other reason, just because!

As you can imagine, it got pretty crowded and loud in there for a while. I can feel my face was scrounging up and eyes tearing at the last part for a bit..

And then, suddenly, one clear voice rung out....

"Why so drama..."

(I swear it was as Singlish as it could get)

And everything lifted and became dead quiet and calm. I opened my eyes and suddenly everything around me looked so different without the red hue, realising that I am going back to the bad habits of creating "stories" again..the vicious loop of self criticism and denial, creating the negative fantasy world where I dish out all possible bad scenarios and lay every blame onto myself. 

Once that idea was sorted out, it felt like someone turned on the light and all smokes and mirrors disappeared. That laid out a smoother path into the actual class, which was great as usual, and probably easier with the calmer mind.

And as it turned out, things turned out quite different than what I thought..the messages did come on my way back home - my boss tried to look for me after I left the office; he sent me a short text on his thoughts, and my replies were all cordial and polite..so all was good in the end. 

No more drama - easier said than done though. Well, at least one thing that I am definitely grateful for, is the chance for the thoughts surfacing earlier on in the evening, so that I can face my demons right on.  Not exactly the most pleasant thing to do, but better that than them lurking in the dark waters.