Facing my demons

Recently I have been pretty conscientious in getting to the yoga classes (good for me!). Bored and dangerous, I figured that I probably have a find a channel to release some of those pent up energies and a focal point, before i really get cranky and dangerous..like make some CSM (career suicide move) or something (at least not at this point when I am literally counting down the days).

I was one hell of a frazzled self when I stepped into the studio. I was waiting for a few conversations to happen at work the whole day, which of course didn't. And I guess even if they did, I probably wouldn't have handled them well. As usual, I tried to sit in meditation for a while before class starts, and that's when the thoughts came flooding in...

Why do you think it will happen?

Ok, maybe I didn't deserve it

How sad your life is right now..if only...

No, no..why do you even think you warrant the attention?

Ya, you and your impatience and nasty temper. What made you think that they want to talk to you? If your temperament had been better, maybe you will be more approachable and wouldn't cause so much grief to your parents and the people around you.

I really want to get out of the rut! I refuse to let this episode bog me down! I swear I will live a larger life! For no other reason, just because!

As you can imagine, it got pretty crowded and loud in there for a while. I can feel my face was scrounging up and eyes tearing at the last part for a bit..

And then, suddenly, one clear voice rung out....

"Why so drama..."

(I swear it was as Singlish as it could get)

And everything lifted and became dead quiet and calm. I opened my eyes and suddenly everything around me looked so different without the red hue, realising that I am going back to the bad habits of creating "stories" again..the vicious loop of self criticism and denial, creating the negative fantasy world where I dish out all possible bad scenarios and lay every blame onto myself. 

Once that idea was sorted out, it felt like someone turned on the light and all smokes and mirrors disappeared. That laid out a smoother path into the actual class, which was great as usual, and probably easier with the calmer mind.

And as it turned out, things turned out quite different than what I thought..the messages did come on my way back home - my boss tried to look for me after I left the office; he sent me a short text on his thoughts, and my replies were all cordial and polite..so all was good in the end. 

No more drama - easier said than done though. Well, at least one thing that I am definitely grateful for, is the chance for the thoughts surfacing earlier on in the evening, so that I can face my demons right on.  Not exactly the most pleasant thing to do, but better that than them lurking in the dark waters.

病

今年下来，每一次出国回来都会大病一场。太弱了，温差一大，旅程太累，身体就垮了。

也难怪，最近没好好地照顾体魄 。运动量一直没提高，一而再，再而三地生病，要提高也难。吃方面，也没之前那么警惕。蔬果菜类维生素摄取的少，免疫力也受打击了。

这次病了有大概一个星期，身体虚弱，做什么都提不起劲儿。觉得整个人昏昏沉沉，精神也觉得消沉了些。这个星期，就这样浑浑浊浊地过了，觉得挺浪费的。

好想去一次长跑...下半年，可别再那么容易受病了。

Quiet - Susan Cain

The sub-title of the book caught my eye - "The Power of Introvert in a World that Can't Stop Talking". Especially the last 5 words, those especially resonate.

When I told some friends that I was an Introvert, they were surprised. I guess to most, I appear outgoing, engaging, and definitely not an Introvert (especially when I was pushing my agenda during work meetings). I often wonder why too, until the book introduced the idea of a "fake Introverts" - introverts who feigned being extroversion when the social setting requires or when they really feel passionate about any issues.

I knew (or at least I thought I knew) was during JC when the school arranged for us to do an MBTI test. My MBTI score was INTJ, and I remembered that I was that slightly confused or disappointed of the "I" rather an "E" score - I can be quite boisterous at times, and hell, I was playing in team sports and ECA committees all my student life. But since I was a marginal "I", and it was explained that marginal scores could swing as we grow up. So that was it.

My score did change, but not in that "I" department. 

I knew I love solo activities like reading, and spending time working on stuff alone (like, thinking how to upcycle stuff). I like my space, physically and mentally - I set up my cubicle so that half my space is shielded off a cabinet, when I could finally feel "safe" to settle in and start focusing.  I cringed once when a colleague stepped into my cube beyond the cabinet (!!!) without asking and I could feel all my hair standing on the back of my arm and back. 

I hate making small talk, and always find meeting new people pretty pressuring as I have to think very hard what to say and at the appropriate moment (like, when is the appropriate moment to slip off without being rude. Had to feign some detour a couple of times so that I don't have to speak to acquaintances for longer journeys). It's always hard to find people to talk to about topics that I am interested in, either I don't find or feel the right frequency to talk to them about those pet topics (I rather chew over them in my own head) or it's too deep for some people's comfort. Know me long enough though, we can talk for long hours about anything under the sun.

Giving presentation terrifies me. I used to have weekends and weekends of pub hopping but now I find that they drain me; I definitely prefer to go home and do my own stuff, unless the invitation comes from someone close to make it worth my effort to get out of the house. 

I wonder how did I survive adolescence, especially majority of the time with a team of 20 hockey girls, where we spent so much time together, and for some extended periods, cooped up in hotels for training trips and tournaments. I was known as the silent (and often grouchy) one who didn't talk much or what I was thinking about. Going around to team mates rooms to talk (and gossip) were tiring affairs; I would rather read or do cross stitch in my own room. I  remember having bouts of doubts, like why couldn't I be more lively like some other team mates who were having more boisterous and in my eyes, definitely more popular.

But survived I did. I decided that I was definitely more comfortable doing the things that I like. Sure, there are times when I still felt envy of people who are definitely more exuberant, more outgoing, but I think I have come to terms with it (or I think i have).

And now, it's like in those TV shows when you had to relive through those adolescence fears again, I wonder if I will survive school, and in this time, probably requiring a higher level of participation... I am cringing just thinking about it.