When I told some friends that I was an Introvert, they were surprised. I guess to most, I appear outgoing, engaging, and definitely not an Introvert (especially when I was pushing my agenda during work meetings). I often wonder why too, until the book introduced the idea of a "fake Introverts" - introverts who feigned being extroversion when the social setting requires or when they really feel passionate about any issues.
I knew (or at least I thought I knew) was during JC when the school arranged for us to do an MBTI test. My MBTI score was INTJ, and I remembered that I was that slightly confused or disappointed of the "I" rather an "E" score - I can be quite boisterous at times, and hell, I was playing in team sports and ECA committees all my student life. But since I was a marginal "I", and it was explained that marginal scores could swing as we grow up. So that was it.
My score did change, but not in that "I" department.
I knew I love solo activities like reading, and spending time working on stuff alone (like, thinking how to upcycle stuff). I like my space, physically and mentally - I set up my cubicle so that half my space is shielded off a cabinet, when I could finally feel "safe" to settle in and start focusing. I cringed once when a colleague stepped into my cube beyond the cabinet (!!!) without asking and I could feel all my hair standing on the back of my arm and back.
I hate making small talk, and always find meeting new people pretty pressuring as I have to think very hard what to say and at the appropriate moment (like, when is the appropriate moment to slip off without being rude. Had to feign some detour a couple of times so that I don't have to speak to acquaintances for longer journeys). It's always hard to find people to talk to about topics that I am interested in, either I don't find or feel the right frequency to talk to them about those pet topics (I rather chew over them in my own head) or it's too deep for some people's comfort. Know me long enough though, we can talk for long hours about anything under the sun.
Giving presentation terrifies me. I used to have weekends and weekends of pub hopping but now I find that they drain me; I definitely prefer to go home and do my own stuff, unless the invitation comes from someone close to make it worth my effort to get out of the house.
I wonder how did I survive adolescence, especially majority of the time with a team of 20 hockey girls, where we spent so much time together, and for some extended periods, cooped up in hotels for training trips and tournaments. I was known as the silent (and often grouchy) one who didn't talk much or what I was thinking about. Going around to team mates rooms to talk (and gossip) were tiring affairs; I would rather read or do cross stitch in my own room. I remember having bouts of doubts, like why couldn't I be more lively like some other team mates who were having more boisterous and in my eyes, definitely more popular.
But survived I did. I decided that I was definitely more comfortable doing the things that I like. Sure, there are times when I still felt envy of people who are definitely more exuberant, more outgoing, but I think I have come to terms with it (or I think i have).
And now, it's like in those TV shows when you had to relive through those adolescence fears again, I wonder if I will survive school, and in this time, probably requiring a higher level of participation... I am cringing just thinking about it.
No comments:
Post a Comment