The Last Day

The date on the paper caught my eye
as I sent it, together with the rest of history,
into the machine's shredding teeth.

Almost a date to the day
the motion was set one year ago,
when I was asked if I was keen
to take up the study scholarship.
"Of course. If they give, I take".
Simple and straight.

And so, months flew past
as I clear the various tests and interview.
That measure and cut
the applying hopefuls
into cubbyholes of Can-s, and Cannot-s.
Thankfully, I was sliced and diced into the former,
just in time to step into the year of the Horse.

Even so, it felt like a distant future
or even a possibility that has yet to materialise
(even to me now).
In the months that followed,
everything was done
in preparation for my leaving.
Cementing processes.
Conversations with relevant people.
Making sure that everything still runs
even when I am no longer here.

And everything promises to run,
even when I will no longer be here.

And then I feel the pang of nostalgia.
The sense that everything feels good and nice
and I wonder if it is a good move after all
to leave this snuggly place.

And then the sense of paranoia.
The sense that everything is set up for my departure.
Probably the place doesn't need me anymore
(of course it doesn't; you just made yourself dispensable)

And back to the paper
that just went through the machine's teeth.
From a pile of history that
spoke of the trials and tribulations.
Of sated hunger from late dinners and rushed food.
Of anguish from repeated edits and incomprehensible instructions.
Of fatigues from 14hour work days and midnight walks for the ride home,
that saw me back at the same seat in the cube 6 hours later.

Perhaps then it is apt that I saw the date
at the machine.
To remind me that whatever before then
is like the paper,
with its whatever thoughts, theories and principles,
that whatever had past was gone,
and nothing like its old self.

As with me -
that the old me
is gone.
Starting from that day last year
When I was asked if I was keen.
"Of course.
If you give, I take".

A whole new experience,
A widely different perspective.
A vastly different group of people.

If you give, I take.